LAST NIGHT

I dreamed I was a seagull. I wasn't eagle-eyed--rather astigmatic in fact--but I could trust the help of my sharp-eyed... gullfriends.

I knew what that dream meant. It referred to my dance classmates, who've been telling me my body image seems distorted, I'm a way better dancer than I see, so why am I hiding?

They're right. Recently, in class, I failed to recognize myself in the mirror! Looked for the big ugly geek, and saw only my classmates... plus a willowy dancer I didn't know.

A guest student trying out the class? Nope. Me.

I've been trying to paint that dance class digitally...

Prodded by that dream of being a bird, I try a second digital painting, Hawk Ridge, set high on a coastal ridge as in the dream--but I draw myself as a sharp-eyed hawk not a myopic gull. Or a green-faced girl.

THAT NIGHT

A fox big as a man. He can speak in human tongue. He rents an Appalachian home, his eyes and money green. One day a lovely vixen (though she's just collie size) with big green eyes strolls into his home. He sees a girl? a beast? The vixen stays. Round his dinnerparty guests manfox treats her like a pet. Only at night when they're alone Nuzzles, mounts his mate, Telling her that "sex is rent!" I'm weirdly blind to his hypocrisy: oh, I bristle, but not at that--I see a man into bestiality: Rearing tall, he's human, while she's a beast, since low and small. Yet she talks too! Their only true distinction's size. And that won't do as pigeonhole for personhood! My moral grid is just no good. She mates with no enthusiasm. Tells me "Not that I resent; I'm glad I can experiment! I've never had one orgasm-- Not once in my life--nothing works At least with a normal impersonal fox. Literally unspeakable jerks! I need a mate who talks. Maybe Mr. I'm-So-Tall will do it." And I? Just nod at her frustrated cry-- her friend. But O Inari, she's so cute! Pleeeeease? I want to try!

NOTES IN THE MORNING

• Talking fox: I'd just read Franky Furbo by William Wharton. Franky was raised human, thinks he is... but he's a mutant superfox.
• Vixen: Franky Furbo's future wife Raethe. She can pass as human, but is a superfox. And glad to be.
• Inari: the Japanese god of foxes.
• Talking fox treats talking vixen as a full partner, a real person, only in bed! A reprehensible double standard, but...
• My dream-self seems as bad as Mr. Tallfox! A Puritan wacko: "He's a person, she's not, this is bestiality!" Uh... no.
• Morality: I think the dream's warning my crazy parents instilled such bizarre sexual rules (and guilt) that my inner fox turned secretive and amoral--denies everything. Though I can see why--I condemned the foxes' (con)sensual experiment out of hand as perverse, and hid my own envy and desire.
• Sex blah: true. I get recurrent inflammations making sex blah to ow. Frustrating.
  [2020 NOTE: healed four years later when I gave up wheat. Oh, I WAS sexually brainwashed. But I had a gluten allergy!]
• All this mistreatment: are these ways I mistreat my body? The gull dream last night was clearly about that issue--said it's severe.

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