I live in a little French Mediterranean town of narrow cobbled streets, bakeries, cafes. But it's in America! An oasis in the dull suburbs south of San Francisco, on the shores of Crystal Springs Lake.

I'm a short chubby dyke. Fat hips and thighs I don't like--I'm just a pink lump. I wear punk outfits and I don't own a car. I ride a bike. I run a small publishing house, write and edit a punkzine.

Today I went out to Xerox a manuscript we're printing. Get on my bike, start out... then pause, worried about my jeans. Torn up knees don't matter, but rips showing my ass do--the local cops have been harassing people in the park about indecent exposure. Will I get delayed? I'm in a hurry to get this issue out.

Wait, I'm wearing Jamie's ratty old black ballet leotard under the jeans. Tight, skimpy, holes of its own, but it covers enough of the holes in my jeans to make me street legal.

Wait a minute. I don't need to copy this manuscript! I forgot--I HAVE a copy. Guess I was really just itching to get out and test the jeans.

Do I unconsciously WANT a confrontation with the cops? But then what's with these two layers--each one with holes, but covering each other?

NOTES

• Punk outfit = my butch, confrontive side. This part's dominant in the dream because it isn't in the daylight.
• Jamie's old leotard = being feminine, sensitive... and vulnerable to heartbreakers like her. I had an unrequited crush on Jamie, a gorgeous ballerina who wanted to be "just friends".
• Leotard's too tight = that femme role is just too confining!
• Holes in punk outfit = baring everything about myself, in my dream-comix and dreamtales.
• Test my jeans = test my GENES! See if showing my deviant sexuality (whether by publishing sexy dreams or coming on to girls I'm hot for) gets me punished--by cop or by conscience.
• Under my new dyke assertion lurks ballerina meekness... and grace?
• My dream body was my waking body reversed! A fat punk dyke instead of an anorexic femme straight boy. Yet it made no difference--I had the same shyness under the skin--the same body-shame.
• The two outfits TOGETHER are street legal and comfortable, for the holes in one are plugged by the other = Each role alone is vulnerable, but together I'm well-protected! Now there's a message! Mostly I FEEL I'm a ragged naked vulnerable outsider showing sexual feelings punkishly, awkwardly... I often forget the ballerina is there, or see that side of me as weak. But her sensitivity (even if it grew from abuse!) actually protects me. Complements the roughness I wear outside.

For I really am both.

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