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Dreamed 2010/7/7 by Wayan
I'm walking with a scarred, scary guy through a wooded valley: a park. He spots a ferris wheel through the trees, asks "Is a circus in town? Or is that part of the old playground you said you used to play in?" I think it's permanent, part of that playground.
He knows a guy once attacked me up ahead--one source of my fear of men. I went in the park bathroom and the guy--backed up by a gang--said "Who do think you are? We own this" and beat me up.
My friend got the scars on his face from the same thug.
Cross the playground. On the far side we climb a houselike structure. Crowds on stairs and ledges; some attractive women. But I'm still so tense. Partly flashbacks to that beating; partly that we're on the outer face of a steep structure with no rails and long drops. And I'm carrying three books, so one hand's not free. Rounding a corner, as I step over a 4-meter drop to a new terrace, my center of gravity's forced over the edge. Hurry across, clutching hard with my free hand.
Sit on the terrace with this scarred survivor. He asks about the books I carry. They embarrass me--one is a kids' book that wrestles with issues of giftedness--Diane Stanley's Allbright Academy, I think. Next is a fantasy/sf book exploring sex/dating in a furry world. Third is adult nonfiction, about investing I think. He's never had the time or opportunity to explore any of the three issues; his whole life's been about pure survival.
Still, he surprises me--doesn't condemn my non-primal interests. They're just new to him.
In fact... he's curious.
- Scarred guy: me. My schoolmates shunned and bashed me; even after they broke a rib, rather than protect me my parents called me paranoid and sent me to a therapist. He's currently under multiple indictments for molesting kids. Didn't rape me, but was one of the creepier adults in my life. Under his predatory eyes I shut down for years... and this dream hints I'm still wary because of, well, all of them.
- Thugs: in yoga class we heard hoarse male shouts from the bar next door, and as we (mostly female) exited, drunks (mostly male) smoked and joked on the sidewalk. Not malevolent but still gave me flashbacks.
- Childhood playground in the woods:
- Looked like a park on Mercer Island near Seattle that (in my childhood) had ten-meter climbable totem poles. No park today lets kids climb that high; fear lawsuits.
- Golden Gate Park's playground when I was little had a decommissioned locomotive, all iron, sharp in places; again, risk of falls and cuts, but not huge ones. Hints I've been overprotective.
- Playground or carnival: the stock market, the economy? Ferris wheel, its cycles of boom and bust!
- Balance, clutch: felt wobbly in yoga class.
- Ashamed to carry 3 books: took some back to the library. Remember only two: Clio Cresswell's Mathematics and Sex--learned I need a lover who can handle my autistic need for lots of solitude; and Graham Alexander's The Intelligent Investor, on longterm Warren-Buffet-style investing--I'm making a home-made pension by buying social funds. I didn't read a book on giftedness like Allbright Academy today, but only cuz I've read lots; and none on furry sex, but only cuz the library has none! Hm. Add up the day and dream books, what issues jump out?
- Sex, furryphilia and species dysphoria, giftedness, workaholism, longterm ethical investment: all are real concerns for me--though none are survival! In the past, my inner survivor'd sabotage fun but nonvital wants so I'd focus on survival alone. But no more!
- ACTION: Feel free to date (insist on the space I need!), go to f&sf & comic and furry cons (and anywhere else likely to draw gifted kooks) and invest in long-term social funds. After years of focus on mere survival, my inner survivor finds such ideas exotic... but he no longer objects. And that's a surprise.
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