Dreamed late September 2008 by Charles Scoy
Email Charles at firstname.lastname@example.org
I often dream I'm back in the Army. It's usually scary and dangerous; I'm chased by someone or something I can't see in the dark. I was a cop in civilian life, and got shot down in the street; I spent a year with the official psychiatrist and ended up being marked as PTSD [Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder]--a diagnosis the VA has also picked up. I find myself sleeping all day and awake all night. I get depressed and isolated. This dream starts out with a hint of that, but it changes...
I was back in the Army, in a unit made up of hunks--including me, apparently. I was in my early twenties again, 6'6" tall, about 225 pounds.
One soldier in particular didn't like me, and was constantly trying to kill me, until suddenly... he kissed me. This rapidly developed into every kind of gay sex I've ever heard of, and I became the domineering partner. Then several others guys in the unit began having sex with one another and many wanted sex with me. I loved it and felt great.
FANTASY OR REALITY?
In real life, I was in the Army five years--combat infantry 2 years and combat engineers 3 years. My primary job was 50 caliber machine gunner--gunner, three-man crew. I had many, many partners, both in the Army and afterwards in my civilian job with the police force. There are more gays around than most people realize.
WHAT'S THE DREAM MEAN?
That I'm horny. I am 72 and tell myself I'm too old to just be horny, but sometimes I feel 20 again.
But also... I miss the structure of the army and the police. I guess some people just need to be troopers. I loved the jobs, but hated the politics (both army and police). I'm not very good at office politics and if I find myself in trouble it's usually because of my big mouth.
DID IT TRIGGER A CHANGE?
Today, for the first time in my life, I paid for sex with a very cute guy. Afterwards I felt I had rejoined humanity. I was so happy and feeling good about myself it almost brought me to tears. This guy also told me something I wanted to hear--"You don't look 72. I thought you were in your early 60's". I love those white lies. His reward awaits him in heaven.
I want more friends. It's not just sex. No one talks to old guys and no one wants to hear what we have to say.
This isn't just a sex fantasy. It's a powerful transformation-dream. It starts out like one more recurrent nightmare--a fellow soldier trying to kill Charles--but then it all shifts, like a frozen river breaking up! From fear to joy, from enemies to friends. For years the PTSD has been in the way; but a tipping point has come. The thaw's begun.
This is guesswork, but I think the dream-orgy hints that what'd foster the change is a lot more socializing--connections, whether or not they're sexual! Youth-obsessed, age-stratified America (mainstream gay OR mainstream straight) doesn't make it easy to find good social venues. But the dream suggests more than just "get out more": notice it isn't mere barhopping. It's a structured group that leads to the breakthrough. "I'm not very good at office politics" suggests egalitarian peer groups, not hierarchies: maybe twelve-step groups or other informal nonprofits focused on or serving gay men. Of course I'm an old hippie, I can't stand bosses. But for what it's worth...
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