Here are some of the dreams that became part of the painting:

The Manic Boy
May 24, 2003

I am watching, taking care of, a little boy. He comes out of a small, kind of hidden door in a wall. He is about 4 or 5, with scruffy blond hair that sticks out; his shirt and pants are made of animal hair--varicolored with tufts sticking out--a bit mangy-looking. He goes out to the street where there are lots of children passing by--a large group. He shows off by turning cartwheels.

His mother comes. I indicate to her what he's doing. She says something like "Well, it's O.K. if he sleeps in, he needs lots of sleep."

I tell her "He has not slept in; he's been up since really early."

Two Couples
June 22, 2003

Two couples are making love. Physically they are each relating only to their own partner, and yet somehow their bodies are all together, interwoven into a larger whole.

The Gardenia
June 27, 2003

In a woman's house. I see a large plant that is open, with spaced out leaves--really lovely. I say to someone "I think it is a gardenia" and "I wonder how the owner has been able to keep it growing so wonderfully?"

The Terrible Thing
July 10, 2003

I need a large spool of red thread. I go to a neighborhood area where I remember there was a notions store. Instead of the small, dark, very full store that I remember, there is a very light, white-painted store with display cases and few, rather strangely selected items. I recall a case on the wall with different kinds of white elastic. The woman behind the counter is pleasant and has a European accent. I have a little difficulty letting her know what I want. She brings out something from under the counter that is made of red and white electrical wire. I tell her "No, this is not what I want, I want a spool of red thread."

Then I ask her or someone else in the neighborhood, "what happened to the old notions store?" The person confirms my fear that this store has taken its place, is in the same space. The old store was dark, a little dingy, had drawers and drawers of all kinds of notions--buttons, thread, on and on. You could find whatever you needed. It was run by an old, little stooped woman with a white cloud of hair and some gaps in her teeth. (Somehow this figure of the old woman seems like somebody real from my life, but when I try to picture who, the closest I can get is the Nonna from my Italian family. This old woman in my dream is American, however.)

I ask "What happened?" though I have a feeling I already had heard something about it. The person tells me "People broke into her store and robbed it and trashed it." A well-known neighborhood figure was the one who did the main damage (Wavy Gravy comes to mind, but that's not quite right).

I am appalled by this. "Did she have no recourse?" I ask. "Couldn't she call the police? Get restitution?"

"Not after being seen half nude," the person tells me. "She ran into the store in alarm when the damage was done. She was partly naked and the shame of it was too much for her."

Then some neighborhood women talk about her: "She knew everyone and talked to everyone about their lives and was a real helping presence."

I think it is a terrible thing that has happened. I also think "I could never be that way."

An Unexpected Birth
August 8, 2003

I am at home. I have just given birth to a baby girl. She is so beautiful! She reminds me in flashes of my two other babies. It was unexpected--a very short labor and easy birth. I think there is a midwife. I think Gail is there, and a younger woman. I carry the baby around--she is naked, maybe only with some little underpants on. She is very happy--awake, alert, no crying. I don't have anything ready--don't know where diapers are, don't think I have any diaper pins. I think she may get cold--I should find a receiving blanket to wrap her in. I just feel so happy carrying her around, feel so together with her. She is so dear. I feel so much joy carrying and cuddling her.

EDITOR'S NOTES

• Three of the dreams seem parallel to me: Two Couples, The Gardenia, and An Unexpected Birth. They're all quiet images of life and growth on an instinctive, feeling level.
• The Manic Boy's raggedness and his mom's comment seem like warnings that even more of this instinctive, vegative level is needed: "He needs lots of sleep."
• In The Terrible Thing, Wavy Gravy may need explanation. He's a clown-saint-activist who's well-known here in the Bay Area. The idea that he'd be involved in robbing the old woman is almost as shocking and incongruous to any San Franciscan who knows him as, well, the Buddha-Jesus Gang mugging your grandma again (when will this scourge end?)
• The Terrible Thing is mysterious in other ways too. The crowded notions shop supplanted by a simpler store might mean the loss of "notions"--a mental impoverishment, an oversimplification of ideas? And the dream seems to place much of the blame for this loss on shame, on the owner giving up the fight for justice due to exposure and embarrassment. Almost as surprising as Jenny's slightly ambiguous thought at the end: "I could never be that way." Could never be so giving, so outgoing, so beloved? Or so embarrassed she can't demand justice? Or both? Are they linked, for Jenny? Is the price of public adoration a subtle conventionality?
  Anyway, I sense a hint of shame in her thought (how selfish to be private, a dreamer and painter!). That echoes the old shopkeeper's crippling shame. Without more waking-world background it's hard to know the context, but I suspect the dream's urging her to nakedly, shamelessly stand up for the full complexity of her "notions"--about something. But what?

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