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Dreamed 1994/9/28 by Chris Wayan

I'm still shy, but way less than before. Happy with how fast the old fears and guilts are fading. In my dance class, I asked Lisa out! She's a tallish blonde, who sings nights and has a part-time scientific dayjob.

Now I'm lying on a bed beside her. But... she's talking to a girl friend on the other side of me! As if they don't know I'm here. I wave my hands in front of their eyes. I'm invisible, inaudible!

I'm being given a chance to hear their private girl talk.

They talk about me.

Lisa's quite hurt. "Chris asks me out, acts like he likes me, but he'll barely touch me. Like there's something wrong with me!" Her friend says "He acts that way with me too, when we go out. Looks at me like he adores me, but won't touch me. Or does and drops his hand like I stung him."

Lisa mutters "Is he gay, or just shy, or does he just not really like us?"

The other girl says sadly "Maybe he's just a tease."

And my heart's breaking. Because I've tried so hard and come so far, and to them it looks like nothing. I run toward them and it looks like running away.

As I wake, I feel so sad. I've ignored how confusing and hurtful it is to show interest and then back off, as I guess I have been. I have to change more, or not date at all. It's cheating them to date half-heartedly like this.

Halfway healed is not enough.

LISTS AND LINKS: shyness - dating dreams - invisibility - ghosts - dating advice - healing from abuse

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