THAT DAY

I'm ill. Again. Ever since breaking up with abusive Kay, my health has been fragile, but this is an unusually nasty flare-up. I'm not sure what caused it, though I witnessed some nasty drama between my mom and my sister today. Manipulations I didn't like. But surely just witnessing it didn't make me physically sick. Did it?

THAT NIGHT

I'm trying to climb this lonely mountain rising from a desert... but let me draw it.

• Under the grotesque tale of the duck was a serious warning. That peak was love, and love had nearly killed me. I'd stayed with crazy Kay far too long--I was caught, and froze. The stress of her abuse had wrecked my health; I really did nearly die. I needed to learn a certain selfishness to survive.
• Public pool = the 'social swim', normal friendships.
• Private little pool = what I need to recover. Safe peaceful time alone with no drama. My family's dramas, even if not directed at me, stress me out. I need to be alone. If that hurts people's feelings, so be it. Let them accuse me of ducking out of my responsibilities. Staying alive and healing is my responsibility.
• Love comes later. Tomorrow. Not today. It's a two-stage operation: for me to become capable of love, I must first learn to be unloving. Selfish. Or I won't be alive tomorrow TO love.

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