NOTES 50 YEARS LATER

Just to state the obvious: most teens sex-dream about peers or popstars. I dreamed about sex changes, incest, wolves and orgies leading to astral travel.

Sex changes: I've always felt gender dysphoria. With reason. I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, giving me delicate joints, constant sprains & dislocations, easy bruising, and Aspergerism--high IQ, autism, acute (easily overwhelmed) senses, and intense social shyness. So male games--sports, fighting, risk-taking, status-seeking and male bonding--were impossible. It took decades for me to learn the genetic cause, but even then I knew--my body's violin cannot play in the key of butch. So gender-bent dreams are common for me.

Sibling incest: My sister flirted with me a lot, but hid and denied it. Partly, she wanted me as an ally against our dad, who wanted her to be his little Barbie doll. He didn't actually molest her, but lusted after her--while putting down her brains, strength and creativity. All thru high school I didn't go out with anyone, and she was part of the reason. All sex seemed creepy, incestuous, poisoned by... dad-drool.

Wolf: I sense auras; I always have. I see/feel/scent your awareness and feelings. All animals have them, not just humans! So to me, a wolf isn't an alien opaque wild thing but a wolf-shaped being, just with some traits and tastes unlike mine--no weirder than those human-shaped beings.

Alien worlds: no surprise to fans of Planetocopia, I guess... This dream isn't unique; my journals have hundreds that can only be called cartographic, and thousands (4000+; I just checked) set on other worlds or in deep space.

In short: if, as an adult artist, I look bizarre, early dreams like this prove it's not just a desire to shock. I was strange from the start. Nor is one quirk at the root, with the others mere displacements (one author of a book on giftedness actually claimed kids into astronomy were just displacing repressed sexual curiosity. For him, the cosmos just couldn't be a turn-on! But if cosmology were just displaced sex, why dream like this--unrepressed sex plus cosmic flight?)

Anyway... my weirdness was multifaceted--and built in from the start.

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