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The Invisible Sulky
Dreamed 1995/9/20 by Chris Wayan
I set out for a walk in the country. My path is clear, flat, and easy, but as I set out, I notice some pressure's holding me back. As if I'm dragging something large. Doesn't stop me, but it bothers me so much I finally stop to look. Take off my belt. Safety belt, or the strap holding up my backpack? When I do, there's a "clunk" behind me. Turn to find my burden's become visible--an antique horse-buggy built for one, called a sulky. I've been dragging an invisible sulky around?
It may be built for one, but two men are jammed into it, one black and one white. They're both young, probably students. They can jam in because the black guy's slender and the white one's horribly emaciated--just naked skin over skeleton.
When our eyes meet, they both hop out, nonchalant, and walk off, their free ride over.
Using me as a horse!
And they seemed quite guiltless about it all.
I walk on, puzzled, angry at them, but... lighter.
A lot lighter.
NOTES IN THE MORNING
- Safety belt = I do play it safe a lot. Stay quiet and alone.
- I let myself be used till I take off the safety belt = Hmmm. Grrrrr...
- Buggy = solitude. Sulky doesn't mean bad-tempered. It comes from Scottish "solk", to want solitude, because a sulky was built to carry just one. It's true--I usually feel a pressure to stay alone and safe. But this falls away when I get loud! I wonder--I sang a lot yesterday...
- Years ago, I fled an abusive girlfriend. One night I dreamed a cute, sexy, talking black mare was pulling a sulky. I hoped she'd break free but she only mocked her slavery, clowning. That dream warned I wasn't ruthless about my freedom yet--I could easily get harnessed again, like that mare. But now, years later, I've changed! I won't give them a free ride.
- Skinny naked student = self-starvation, self-denial! And he just walks off--a miracle cure after years of suffering. All I have to do is see him.
- Black student = seemed way more normal--thin but not skeletal. He's probably a less damaged side of me, but what???
- Wait, were they black and white thinking? All-or-nothing values, maybe!
- Taking off the safety belt solves the problem = take risks. Be loud. Sing out! See what happens. What happens might be... freedom.
LISTS AND LINKS:
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anorexia - an early dream attacking this problem by introducing me to my later spirit-wife:
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