I'm sitting on the beach at Penticton, British Columbia. A girl of twelve or thirteen walks up and starts talking to me, flirting with me. She's quite cute, in her little sunglasses and flipflops and a long shirt over her swimsuit. A real Lolita, and, as she leans closer, her thighs in my face, I try to hide that I'm getting turned on, not wanting to upset her. But she spreads her towel out next to mine, and snuggles up against me. I feel reassured, and relax, lie down, and put my arms around her. We kiss, get giggly and stupid...

So naturally, we dig a crater in the sand together, and crawl down into our sandy burrow and pull a blanket on top. She nestles up tight against me. I know she can feel my erection bursting out of my suit, between her thighs. I worry it'll freak her out. She slides the shirt up over her bottom. She's naked underneath! She only wore the swim top.

She PLANNED this?

Suddenly, the earth moves. The sand under us heaves and boils and a man flounders up out of the sand-crater under us, like a giant ant-lion! He leers and winks at us. It's Bill, a guy I know who's fighting alcoholism--and anger. Bill spits the sand from his mouth and sneers "You don't know about her, do you? She plays innocent, but she sleeps with different guys every night! She ENJOYS the game of seducing adults."

She slides down tighter against me and sticks her tongue out at Bill.

But not for long. Ignoring him, we get up, and hand in hand, walk two blocks inland to her motel--really a small hotel or boarding house. Into the lobby, up the stairs...

But the reason we came is not why you think. We could have fucked right on the beach, in the open. Except for Bill, who was getting squashed, no one cared at all! No... we didn't come here for sex. For something much more personal. And taboo. The stairwell.

We pause at the upstairs landing. From it descend three separate stairwells. She kisses me and says "It's time. Choose one and toss me!" Not a big enough drop to hurt her much... except her pride, if the word gets out. For these are the Stairs of Judgment! Do I judge her worthy of Well A (wonderful), Well B (okay) or Well C (disastrous)?

She's never been judged a disaster, but she's quiet, a bit scared: I suddenly have all the power. Absolute freedom to judge her as I truly see her, unswayed by others, or even by desire. Bare judgment--my truth, and nothing more.

It'd humiliate her terribly to be judged inadequate--not the hot, crazy, precocious, irresistable slut she longs to be. But I must be absolutely honest, not award her the Slut Crown unless she truly deserves it.

I think it over hard, lift her in my arms, walk to the brink, kiss her solemnly, and choose...

NOTES IN THE MORNING

• Penticton = most summers, in my teens, our family converged on the Penticton beach. One of my sisters and a cousin hung out together, and I was attracted to both of them. I felt they encouraged me unconsciously. I fought to restrain my incestuous feelings. It left two behavioral scars: I'm slow to flirt AND half-blind to it. Sexiness is perverted. Hide it away!
• Flirting girl = my OWN flirtatiousness? I was scared and avoided the whole issue for years, but now I'm coming sexually alive--I LIKE to flirt, though I'm still easily spooked. In other words, I act adolescent--which isn't a biological phase, but a stage of experience. I'm just reaching it years behind most of you.
• Leering, angry Bill = a rebellion against the incest-guilt! Healthier than surrender I guess, but his anger fails to banish guilt--he just moves the blame OFF himself, ONTO women! Is this surfacing in me?
• The earth moves under us = "did the earth move?" is old American slang for "did you have an orgasm?" Here the earth moves without actual sex--suggesting the dream's focus is emotional, not sexual. Resolving the guilt and anger matters more than sex, right now!
• Stairs = recovering from abuse "step by step"? Twelve-step programs, maybe? Though I don't get why I'm supposed to throw her DOWN the stairs, instead of, say, carry her UP them and across a threshold. But the dream was explicit: she had to be thrown downstairs, indeed WANTED to be. Vital for our relationship! The question was, WHICH steps?
• Judgment = so is my only power in relationships to get judgmental? Funny how she accepts this and (though scared) wants to be judged. So she must feel she's a good person, and hopes I'll see it. If she's my own sexuality, still immature (about twelve, emotionally) but trying hard to catch up, this is encouraging. She trusts me!

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